Not in the Big Brothers / Big Sisters Manual

Okay...so I picked up my little last night and his mom jumps in the car. She apparently just got out of physic ward and is supposed to be under home confinement. WTF.... 

Last night was awkward to say the least. His Mom was constantly shaking like she was going to spontaneously combust, habitually lying about everything that came out over her freaking ass mouth and to top it off she kept coming on to me. 

 Thought I was going to have to through her ass out of the car when she tried to hold my hand on the way home.  (Tuck and Roll...) She kept talking about making me a pudding pie and buying me avon calonge . I am positive I was not smoking anything, so I was not tripping.  I could not drop them off fast enough. 

Did not see this in the big bothers, big sisters handbook. This is not the half of last nights exploits. Despite of all of this I feel even more compelled to help my little. I truly feel sorry for his environment and for his mom and her mental disorders.

Slightly tramatized,

Shawn Westmeister

Finger Paint Taste Testing Event!

On Thursday I got a letter sent home from my daughter’s elementary art room teacher.  My kid is a……well lets just say a social butterfly.  So I am used to getting notes sent home about her bull shitting in class or just plain ass annoying the hell out of her teacher.

Don’t think ill of her she really is a very good, sweet child and very smart.  She is academically doing great. She just has no freaking common sense.  A chip of the old block….. She just seems to think that she don’t need to hear what grown ups have to say because we are all just lame to her.

Well this particular note even shocked the hell out me. It said that she got in trouble in art class for eating the finger paint.  I thought to myself WTF is wrong with my kid….eating freaking finger paint…. Ohh then it got better.  I was starting to feel my face turning red with embarrassment and anger as I read this…. until my eyes got to the next part that said “Maci said that it looked like Ranch Dressing.”

I then burst into freaking ass laughter.  Seriously….She that makes total sense. They seriously sent me a note home because a 7 year old tasted paint because it looked like Ranch dressing.    I totally get that…Fuck I am 31 and if I was there I would have probably joined in and tried it with her.  I can’t be even pretend to be a little mad at her. Maci is a 7 year old child and she is going to do child actions and behaviors. 

Shit most of the boys in her class spend half their day with their finger up their nose and 25% of them are eating it.  Seriously if this is the biggest complaint that the art teacher had to deal with that day she is freaking as lucky she is that sheltered.   

Talking with Maci about the incident she was totally rational about it with questions like. How do you know what anything tastes like unless you try it?  Because someone said so? Did they try it? How do they know it doesn’t taste like ranch dressing?

I am not going to discourage her childhood curiosity.  I thought about it and I asked her if she was told not to eat the paint prior to the taste testing event. She said that the art teacher never said not to eat it.  I asked her if she knew it was bad for her or unhealthy to eat the paint, again Maci said no.  She then asked “If it is bad for me then why are they letting me use it with my fingers?”

Uhhhh….I am on your side kid.  I don’t know how to answer that?

I guess child wonderment is a natural thing.  By no means am I saying my daughter will be the next freaking ass Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Dali  or Andy Warhol for that matter.  I am saying unless you tell a 7 year old specifically not to do something then I can’t get upset with them for thinking out side the box and not being afraid to try new things.

Maci apparently was sent to the hall for eating the paint.  The letter wanted me to talk to my child about the actions. Well… my wife and I don’t double punish and as far as I am concerned the school handled it.

It is over…problem taken care of.  How can I be upset with Maci, I found it damn amusing. So…I will just sign there little note and send it back along with a little note back summarizing my feelings on the situation. This should be entertaining to say the least.

Proud Parent, 

Shawn Westmeister

Paybacks are a bitch

This morning I got out some small chocolate peanuts and a couple of large chocolate rasins. Ohh by the way my 7 year old daughter Maci hates rasins. Maci came skipping happily into the room and said Dad I want some chocolate peanuts too. So I stuck out my hand and said the big ones are mine you can have the small ones. Knowing damn well she wouldn't listen. She grabbed the two biggest ones and shoved them in her mouth. She said "ha ....ha....". Then started to chew......then she started to get this oh shit look on her face chewing slower and slower. Then it goes to a look of panic, kind of the same look you would get from a pregnant nun. Then a look of disgust with a touch of horror. She spit them into the trash and says what was that. I told her paybacks are a bitch. You should have listened to me about taking the small ones. Maci looks at me with such attitude and says "Grow Up". Everything all tied up at the Westmeister house.

Learn To Aim Asshole!

OKAY… I am a man and I just do not understand other men. I absolutely hate using public restrooms or having people with no consideration using the office bathroom. I don’t get it. How can you not hit a freaking 16’’ target?  When I was little my father told me a very valuable saying “BE LIKE FATHER NOT LIKE SIS LIFT THE LID WHEN YOU PISS”!

I had a visitor come to my office.  He is a educated man, I have known for a while, well to do and a pretty good guy.  He asked to use my office bathroom.  He finished, came out talked a little more and then left.  My wife went to use the bathroom after he left and he had pissed all over the seat and the floor.

I was livid because I had to go clean his piss up so my wife could use it. I was going to call and ask him what the hell was wrong with him but my wife said let it go. WTF is wrong with this person. If he can’t reach around his stomach to control is cock at least lift the fucking seat.

There are times I take my daughter in to the mens room when we are out and 8 of 10 times someone has pissed all over the seat and floor. Seriously if your dick is that small that you cant find it buy a pair of tweezers and a magnifiene glass.  Someone has to use that stall after you.  They have freaking urinals that mount on the wall for those who have no fucking aim.  I wonder if they just piss all over the place at home as well. I highly doubt it.  I am sure most women would not put up with that. I think many women would be surprised how many of their husbands, boyfriends and children are these guys that I am bitching about.

Sincerely Pissed Off,

Shawn

Winter Fest

On Saturday I took the family to Winter Fest in Down Town Cleveland Ohio.  I have to say it was a lot of fun and didn’t cost anything. We definitely make plans to attend it again next year.  A friend named Jamie Kinton who works for Radio Disney told us about the event. My wife and I both remarked to each other how nice it was and how Radio Disney worked extremely hard to help make this event a success.  They had members greeting everyone they came into contact with.  They helped with all events that were set up by other vendors such as the VIP, Anderson Window, Wii activity both and changing out the stage in between events.  They did a great job getting the crowed excited and entertaining the children. I think that it was really inspiring to see that turnout. How all of these people came together to share in the Christmas spirit. It was such a nice night I wish it was like that all year round.

I got called up on stage to participate in a pencil grabbing game.   

While standing backstage this dude standing next to me had his 8 year old daughter look at him as serious as a heart attack and tell him if he didn’t win he was not aloud to come home.  At any rate I won the contest  and was the winner of a Cars 2 blue ray dvd. Since we already had it I gave it to the guy backstage.  He was so thankful.   I few minutes later the Radio Disney crew threw out t shirts and I caught one.  The little girl standing behind me was so upset she wanted it so bad. I gave her the t-shirt she was so happy. Next they through out key chain I ended up getting one but the little boy beside me went for it to.  How can I keep it and leave this little boy upset.  So I gave it away.  It all turned out okay later I caught another t-shirt and Fish Hooks bag which I gave to my daughter.

My daughter had a blast watching and dancing along with Radio Disney.  Here is a video of her cutting a rug. She is the little girl in the blue coat that I flip the camera to.

All of the dancers did an excellent job performing…. here are some photos.

The night was culminated by the magical lighting of the Tower Square Christmas Tree and park.  News Channel 5, Huntington Bank, the mayor and other official hosted the event on Winter Fest stage.  The Guys family flipped the Christmas switch and the down town glowed with the Christmas spirit.  Fireworks followed the event.  It was truly an awesome event.

Opps forgot I had my gun with me!

Yesterday It got warm in the office at the shop so I turned the heat off. Well this morning it was a tad bit nipply to say the least when we got in. So all morning long I listened to the chattering of my wife’s teeth and her telling me how cold she was.  So on my way out the door to pick up lunch for the office she muttered out get me a Hot Chocolate I’m freezing.

I pick up lunch then stop at the truck stop to get her the freaking hot chocolate which of course I spilled on the floor and then had to get a new one. Awwe Yeah ….I’m smooth like an ex-lax.  

When I finally made it to the register I couldn’t find my cash.  I started doing the Micheal Jackson / Macarena dance tapping all the 25 pockets on my north face jacket then pants pockets.  The next logical thing, start unloading my pockets onto the counter.  This made the 6 people waiting behind me extremely happy I could tell by the smelly trucker breathing on the back of my neck.  I pulled out the cell phone, pens, business cards, then my gun…..yeah I laid my gun on the counter and kept on searching then noticed the lady staring at the gun then at me and then at the gun.  I told her that it is okay I have a concealed carry license. She looks at me and says “Ohh…yeah….That makes me feel a whole lot better”.  

(Relayed items out for visual effect)

  It went kind of silent in the line behind me the trucker took a step backwards.  I found my money in my inside jacket pocket paid her then reloaded the 20 lbs of crap that I had laid on the counter. Slipped my gun back in my jacket pocket and headed toward the door.

The lady behind the counter told the other lady “Didn’t see that coming”.

Oops didn’t even think about having the gun on me.

Call me Mr. Responsible!    

The Kid Runs The House!

Have you ever stopped to think about who actually runs your house.  Sure well you may pay the bills and like my wife and I, we make the big decisions.  However when it comes to daily routine it has become apparent to us that we answer to a 40’’ tall second grade dictator named Maci. 

Since 2 years ago when Maci came to live with us she has flipped our lives upside down. Our daily routines now revolve around her.  We have to make sure that we wake her up nicely or she will be in a bad mood and start throwing a fit. If this happen we are all in trouble.  Are you kidding me I was damn luck if my parents would just open the door and yell “get your ass up your going to be late for school”!  

Maci also is very fashion conscious if she doesn’t like her outfit "ohh" she will let you know about.  If it is anything other than skinny jeans she is pissed.  This is a child that has not wore the same outfit yet since the beginning of school. For crying out loud it takes her 10 min to go through her shoes to coordinate them with her outfit.  She is freaking seven years old!  Yeah and that is right she has that much clothes.  I was lucky to get three shirts and two pair of jeans to last me all school year. One year I had to wear snow boots all year round.  I was the real life Napoleon Dynamite!

We have to get her breakfast which has to be either Coco Puffs or waffles with dark chocolate…regular chocolate is not an option! Then it is off to have mom style her hair and if she is not happy with it trust me you will redo it or you will feel the wrath of the second grade furry! Last week she told my wife "Why do I wear such a great outfit if your just going to ruin it with my hair style".  I bit my tongue and counted to 10 and tryed to remember she is seven.  If I ever talked to my parents that way the tooth fairy would freaking love me because I would still be picking my teeth up off of the floor.

Anyways, we drive her to the end of the development wait on her bus, pull up next to the bus because it is to far for her to walk, her book bag is to heavy….blah…blah…blah. Help her out of the truck and walk her to the bus. Thinking back I remember having to run down my parents half of a mile drive way and stand in the rain or snow then wait on the bus. 90% of the time my mom wouldn’t even get up in the morning we would get ready, eat and leave without even seeing a parent.  I’m talking second grade I was doing this on my own. Boy does this kid have it bad, parents who actually give a damn.Wish parents cared a little when I was growing up.

The first thing out of her mouth when she gets out of school is “I AM HUNGRY”!!!! If she doesn’t immediately eat she turn into a freaking Gremlin or something.  For example yesterday she ate a chocolate waffle for breakfast, snack in the morning at school, lunch, afternoon snack, had to have a 2 serving package of Roman Noodles soon as she got home.  Through a fit because we wouldn’t let her have another package because we were going to do supper later.  She got dressed for ballet then took her to Burger King where she had 9pc chicken fries and whopper Jr.  Luckily they got is right because if she would have had ketchup on the burger someone was going to get punched in the freaking knee cap. After Ballet she changed in to her coordinating pajamas and demanded a bed time snack.  I don’t understand WTF is going on here what happened to three meals a day.  There is no snacks when I was young.  This kid is eating every two hours.  It’s a good thing she isn’t a baby nursing because I have the feeling she would deflate a titty in no time. My wife and I eat maybe 2 times a day.I am glad she has a high metabolism or I would have a lil Sumo wrestler on my hands.

I have to look and laugh at us.What the hell happened to us?  I was a rocker with a bad boy attitude now I am going to Salena Gomez concerts with a seven year old.  There is a glitch in the Matrix here I never would have seen me doing things like this.  We worry about making sure that we tip toe and cater to our daughter to make sure she doesn’t get up set and use phrases like "when we pick Maci up we HAVE to get her a snack before going to the store or she is going to get upset".

Okay….I could go on and on with my whining and bitching about how we answer to our lil Diva. 

Wait one more thing…I have come to the realization that she uses the Nickelodeon and Disney channel to fuck with us.  When she comes into a room the tv HAS to go to Sponge Bob or some other shit like that. However soon as my wife and I leave the room she turns it to LMN, Storage Wars, COPS, Behind Bars, American Pickers, MTV or Comedy Central. Soon as we come back into the room Jr. Hitler flips it back to cartoon hell.  She is just toying with us!

Don’t get me wrong she is a cool kid. We love her very much, she is a lot of fun and couldn’t imagine her not being in our lives. However we have come to realize that we have become puppets to a seven year old.   Its time to cut the strings…. IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!